Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

August 28, 2014

Hi.  My name is Rhonda, and apparently, I used to blog here! 

Sheesh! Has it really been six weeks.  Trust me, it’s not for lack of material.  Rather, with the kids out of school, I’ve been quite busy. 

I took a short vacation with Mom, Niece and Daughter.  I spent 9 days working Texas Lions Camp for Diabetes.  Of course, I reprised and maintained my role as summer Cruise Director.  And, I spent the lot of August getting five boys ready for school.  Senior pictures, clothes, shoes, supplies.  As if I didn’t have enough to do, Mr. Diabetes requires I now have special meetings with the teachers and nurses on top of already attending 6^th grade camp and Meet the Teacher night. In the meantime, I have to work to pay for all of it, and somewhere in there…still be wife and pancreas.  Occasionally I get to sleep. There’s rarely a dull moment, but I digress.

Ok, below is what I’ve been thinking about, and I think I would struggle to find a Diabetes parent who doesn’t fully understand what I’m saying.  Disclaimer:  This is not a fishing expedition for compliments.  It’s simply how I feel.

We celebrated our second 2-year-Diaversary in August, which means for 2.5 years, I’ve been going at the Mommy-Pancreas bit.  It’s a role I didn’t audition for or seek, but I won the part…the lead…twice. Yea, Rhonda!

I was 37 when Mr. Diabetes crept into our lives.  Wait, forget I said that.  Well, remember for now, but forget later.  It’s important for my point.

I had my daughter, my first child, when I was 17, thus before Diabetes snuck in, we were often mistaken for sisters since there really isn’t much of an age gap there.  She’s so much more beautiful than me, but I know I’m biased.  So, I held on to 29 for quite awhile. 

My daughter & me in July..don't be deceived by the great makeup and suspected photoshop

On my first birthday after Diabetes diagnoses, I went ahead and upped my age to 35.  Since my daughter was getting older, it was getting a little weird to explain I was 9 when she was born.  Folks weren’t buying it anymore.  Besides, suddenly, I didn’t feel 29 anymore. I felt and looked 35. 

So many nights staying up to give carbs and wait for a glucose level to be safe enough to sleep.  So many nights giving correction insulin for a high sugar, then having to get up again in 2 hours to make sure it wasn’t too much (and 2 hours after that).  So many nights staying up to do “basal testing” to make sure the underlying insulin rate was accurate.  So many nights awake, wondering, worrying, sometimes tearful.

So many days stressing about things that had never crossed my mind before.  What’s the Carb Count in that roll?  Do I have enough juice boxes?  Does everyone know how to use Glucagon in case I’m not around? When is the next appointment? Are my other kids getting enough of my time and attention because so much of me HAS to focus on keeping my twins alive and healthy? How bad am I screwing this up?  Am I doing enough?

It’s a pain and a worry that originates from the deepest part of my core….a part I really didn’t know I had until Mr. Diabetes invaded our perfect little world. 

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.  Who’s the tiredest of them all?

So, now I look in the mirror and I wonder who that is staring back at me. I almost don’t recognize her.  Two years ago, she was 29.  In six weeks, she’ll be 40. 

 I see insurmountable fatigue.  I see dark circles that no concealer can hide because it’s more than skin deep.  I see pain and worry deep in my eyes.  I see a 40-year-old woman where a 29-year-old (for the 9^th time) girl used to sit.  It’s a little depressing.

That’s how quickly Diabetes ages us.  At this rate, I’ll be dead in no time, but I’m not allowed to die.  My boys need me.  My husband needs me.  By the time my boys graduate, I’ll look 80, I’m sure of it.  It’s not enough for Him to rob my boys of a pain-free worry-free childhood. He has to take his physical toll on me, too.  You suck, Mr. Diabetes.  (Wait.  I apologize.  Please don’t screw up my night now!)

I remind myself regularly that this could be so much worse.  I know it.  But, the level of work, science, thinking, voodoo, planning, sorcery, worrying, and math involved just to keep my babies alive and healthy is exhausting.  It’s not to be discounted or undermined on any level.   It’s tough. 

These guys are WORTH every wrinkle, bag, dark circle and flaw!

This is the hand I was dealt, and I’ll play it the best I can…even if it means I’ll get the Senior Citizen discount at 45!

Support us for a cure today!

www2.jdrf.org/goto/FuseAATeam

Rhonda

Dirty Looks

Dirty Looks

July 9, 2014

In my family, I was the third child, the youngest.  I have a sister who is four years older, and my brother is 11 months older.  (Yeah, my parents wasted no time!)  When my mom was pregnant with me, my dad swore I was another boy and refused to even discuss girl names with my mom.  Joke was on him.  He was a bit surprised when I emerged, three weeks early, distinctly lacking a penis! (I had stuff to do, and sitting in the uterus getting fat wasn’t one of them). 

Since my sister was SO much older than I, she felt she was too big (*read, too good to…*) play with me.  By process of elimination, I played with my brother.  We play GI Joe, He-Man and Cars.  We shared a room until I was about 8. When I was about 9 or 10, I traded in my powder pink bicycle, complete with basket and banana seat, for a boys’ BMX.  Yep, I was that girl outside riding bikes and jumping ramps with my brother, his friends, and the neighborhood boys.  From the get-go, I learned how to get along with dudes!

I always kept a core group of close female friends, but I was always friends with guys, too!  I got them.  I understand them. I like them. They entertain me.  Our brains work alike. I’m very analytical and logical.  I don’t like to talk too much. I’m direct and honest.  And, I despise playing games.  What you see is what you get.  I’m friends with my husband’s friends.  I’m friends with my friends’ men.  I get along well with the male physician staff.  Guys come to me to talk about woman problems, hoping I can offer insight.  In many great man-woman debates, you’ll find me taking the guys’ sides. I’m just really a dude in so many ways. I think my dad may have been onto something when he suspected I was a boy!

Here’s where the problem arises.  Way too many women do not understand a woman who is friends or friendly with men.  For me, they’re so much easier to get along with.  These women’s jealousies and insecurities get in the way of clear vision. Similar thing happens on Facebook where women get upset if a dude is talking to me, reconnects, whatever. The ladies who know me would trust me overnight naked alone with their men.  Besides the fact that I just get along well with men, they know me and how my brain works.  They know I believe in strict rules in relationships…it’s black and white, no blurring of the lines. They trust me whole-heartedly because…

Over fifteen years ago, I met this guy

Didn’t take long to figure out he was the one.  It didn’t take him too long to figure out that he’d met his match.  Here was a smart woman, who didn’t need him, and whose brain did not operate in the stereotypical womanly ways.  No games.  Straight-forward. He’ll tell you himself, I’m a dude in a woman’s body, which is one of the reasons he loves me.  I understand him; he understands me. We married 16 months after meeting.

If I haven’t made you sick by mentioning it before, then get the barf bag ready.  This guy is the one for me.  I’m in love.  No doubt.  Are there days I want to choke him out?  Absolutely, but I can’t imagine my life without him.  He’s the only one. The only guy who stands the REMOTEST chance against this guy....

 Is this guy...

…and since we all know that’s not going to happen, I think he’s safe.

Now to my point, because of my friendliness, camaraderie and friendships with guys, WAY too many times, I’ve been given dirty looks by other women.  Classic example happened recently.  When I went to Kerrville in April for a Diabetes retreat, I met a few other families…one dad in particular had a girl about my boys’ age.  I’ll call him Mr. Nice Guy. We said hello, talked Diabetes, etc.  His wife wasn’t with him, and my husband wasn’t with me. 

Fast forward to June.  Jerry and I went to a Diabetes Conference in Austin. I walked right up behind Mr. Nice Guy while checking in.  He had his wife, Mrs. Not-so-nice with him.  He recognized me, we chatted briefly, introduced him to my husband, explained how we knew each other, etc….and we moved along with our day.  Well, Mrs. Not-So-Nice gave me the evilest look.  I just ignored it.  I’m used to it.  Over the course of the day, we saw them a few more times.  Each time I’d offer a friendly smile or say, “Hello again”, and each time I received a snarl from Mrs. Not-So-Nice.  I found it funny when finally MY husband said, “Why does she keep looking at you like that?!”  He noticed.  It was so flagrant.  I told him I was used to it, at which time Jerry added, “Some women just don’t understand that you just get along with men well, do they?”  Nope.  Story of my life.

I used to let those types of reactions bother me, but I don’t now.  Rather, I recognize it as that person’s insecurities, because if she knew me, she’d know there’s not a chance in Hell I’d give him the time of day unless he suddenly morphed into this guy...

 or this guy....

 I love me some pretty men,

..I mean, nobody gauged my eyes out when I got married, and I like talking to men and hanging out with men, but there’s only one man in my life.

So, if you haven’t been around me much, and didn’t know this about me…relax.  I have a man who I’m madly in love with.  I don’t want yours.  I’m not a home-wrecker, nor do I have the time and energy to lie, cheat or train another one!  But, I will be friendly and sometimes flirt to boost his ego.  That’s all it is.

So, no more dirty looks!   Can’t we all just get along?

Rhonda  

So Many Questions

Questions

6/27/14 

For anyone who thinks managing Diabetes just means taking a shot with meals, let me introduce you to the abundance of questions that run through my mind at any given moment.  These questions are on top of all the questions we ask ourselves for parenting in general.

Any given Diabetes scenario is plagued with tons of questions to help us make the best management decision.  I'm sure my D-parent friends can add even more?

High Sugars:

Why is he high?

When did he eat last?

What did he eat last?

Is his pump site ok?

Where is his pump site?

When was his site last changed?

Does he have Ketones?

Did I correctly dose the insulin?

Is the insulin expired?

How long ago was his last insulin dose?

Does he need more insulin?  Could I or should I have timed it differently?

How much correction do I need to give him?  (Followed by complex mathematical formula)

Did I give him enough correction?  

Why didn’t the last dose of correction work? 

Do I need to adjust the ratio for this meal?  Correction?  Basal?

Should I just give him an extra shot of insulin to bring it down?

Is he getting sick?

Am I responsible for destroying his body?

And, the ever so critical “What day is this?”

Low Sugars:

Why is he low?

When did he eat last?

Did he finish his meal?

What did he eat last?

Has he been exercising?

Did I overdose his insulin?

How much insulin is still “on board” and acting?

Could I or should I have timed it differently?  Given less?

What was his sugar to start with?

How best should I treat this to rapidly bring it up and keep it up?

Is his basal rate too high?

Deciding question:  “What color are his underwear?”

Hemoglobin A1C results:

What did I do wrong?

What can I do better?

What needs to change?

Does he need more insulin?  When?

Is he growing?   Not eating right?

What diet and exercise plans can I refine?

Am I destroying his body?

Am I failing at my job?

Always pressing: “Will there ever be a cure?”

Pump Site Changes:

How many days has he had the current pump in place?

Where were the last two sites he used?

Are any of the sites bruised?  Rashy?  Lumpy?

Which potential site looks the healthiest?

Are our skin barrier/protection measures working to minimize rash?

Can I convince him to try a new site?

When will he be due for another pump site change?

How much insulin should I fill it with (in order to minimize waste) considering upcoming activities and days of expected use?

Has he been putting lotion on his sites like I told him?

What’s his current glucose level?

How much insulin do I need to start him with on the new pump (to minimize post-pump-change highs)?

Did the pump function properly and is the cannula in place?  (This is very tricky with crappy eyes)

Did I squeeze hard enough to minimize his pain?

Is he really hurting or just lashing out at me and making me feel guilty because he’s tired of all of this pain?

Oh-so-Important:  “Did I hold my mouth right?”

At Each and Every Meal:

What’s his current sugar level?

How many carbs do I anticipate he’ll eat?

How much insulin does he need for pre-meal bolus?

How many carbs did he actually eat?

How many carbs are in ____  ?

Did he finish all the food I dosed him for or does he need more insulin?

How many fat grams did he eat? 

How much protein did he eat?

Was it enough protein to keep his glucose stable?

Do I need to add insulin later for high fat/protein meal?

How much insulin do I need to add more his fat/protein content?

How active will he be after this meal?

Will he need a snack later?

Is he listening to me and learning as I process and explain all of this?

Don’t forget:  “What’s the price of tea in China?”

Nightly:

Does Diabetes want to play fair tonight?

How much sleep will I get tonight?

What’s his sugar?

What pattern do I anticipate his sugar will follow overnight? (Considering how the glucoses have been all day?  What he ate last? When he ate last? How long do we plan to sleep in the morning?)

What time do I need to interrupt my sleep to recheck him?

How many times do I need to interrupt my sleep to recheck him?

Tie Breaker:  “Did Mr. Diabetes hear me curse his name or brag today?”

Am I being a good enough pancreas?  Am I being a good enough Mommy?

Needless to say, my head is swimming the majority of the time, and I'm exhausted.

See.  It’s not so simple. Every day. Every Meal.  Hundreds of questions and decisions.

Support us for a cure today! JDRF One Walk, The AA Team

Rhonda

Sweet Child of Mine

Sweet Child Of Mine

June 22, 2014

My husband and I attended the JDRF Type One Nation conference in Austin over the weekend.  We had a nice getaway and the conference was great!  We enjoyed connecting with other Type One families and learning more about what JDRF is doing to transform Type One into Type None.  There are great treatments and potential cures on the horizon.  It was a great reminder as to where our money goes and why we donate, fundraise, and Walk.

One of the coolest things about attending was being recognized for my book, Mommy Can't Fix It,  and my blog by complete strangers.  My message is getting out there, reaching people, and impacting their lives!  Score!  One lady even remembered my Bon Jovi love!   Tee hee…it’s legendary!  J

Needless to say, attending the conference sparked a few blogs in my little brain.  I’ve been on a blog block lately, partly because I’ve just been so terribly busy with work projects, kids and being a substitute Mommy Pancreas.  Those blogs will be coming.

Strangely, however, I woke up to this blog swarming around in my head this morning.  I haven’t heard this song in awhile. I haven’t thought of this song in awhile.  I don’t recall dreaming about it either.  Rather, I woke up, and this song, complete with lyric changes was swimming through my consciousness, so I figured I’d better write it down.

Sweet Child of Mine

He's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of Pre-D memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see his face
He takes me away to that special place
And if I think too long, I know I’ll break down and cry

Whoa, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine

He's got eyes of the bluest skies
Diabetes has filled with rain
I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain

His hair reminds me of a warm, safe place
Without D by his side
I wish for the sticks and pain to quietly pass him by

Whoa, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine

Where do we go?
A new way to live now
Oh, let’s find a cure now

Where do we go?
(Sweet child)
A new way to live now
Ooh, please don’t go low

Get it.  They're sweet and "sweet".  J

Please help us help JDRF find better treatments and a cure!

The AA Team

Rhonda

Diabetes Blog Challenge Day 6: Saturday Snapshots

Diabetes Snapshots

Saturday Snapshots - Saturday 5/17 . 
Back for another year, let’s show everyone what life with diabetes looks like!  With a nod to the Diabetes 365 project, let’s grab our cameras again and share some more d-related pictures.  Post as many or as few as you’d like.  Feel free to blog your thoughts on or explanations of your pictures, or leave out the written words and let the pictures speak for themselves.

In a previous blog, __Hidden Diabetes in Pictures__, I shared pictures of my boys.  It was one of the more tearful blogs I have written seeing how innocent they were before Diabetes, how unknown the storm was that brewed in their bodies.

A little late (as I have been all week...work schedule and computer virus impeded my blogging), I am answering the blog week challenge for Diabetes Snapshots.  Instead of recollecting how things were before Mr. Diabetes plopped his big butt in the middle of our lives, this blog is about the daily grind. 

In a perfect world, other D-parents will feel a little more “normal” and those who do not live with Diabetes will learn a little and perhaps be inclined to Walk with us or donate to our cause!



Now I begin…

Every time we check a blood sugar, I record the results on these clipboards...one for each boy.  I average, look for patterns, and decide how to adjust to Mr. Diabetes ever-changing rules in this game.  Pink pisses me off; yellow worries me.  As you can see, obviously my emotions stay on a roller coaster!



 

Once I wake the boys up for school, I set up their supplies to check their sugars.

Tiny fingers, drops of blood.  Every day, 6 to 12 times per day.

After checking sugars, counting carbs and dosing insulin, we get to eat our breakfasts.

This is the inside of their D-kits that have to go everywhere with them.  When they eat, I get their kits ready for school. So, on top of book, binders and backpacks, my boys carry a kit that holds all the essentials to keep them alive!

A small selection of ALL the supplies that are used EVERY. DAY. to keep my boys healthy and alive.  If they aren't used daily, they are required to keep for emergencies.  All of this is easily $2500 worth of stuff, and there is more unpictured.

Omnipod insulin pumps...in action on a cute little thigh!  Not sure what we're going to do when puberty hits and they get wicked hairy!

Diabetes trash everywhere

Despite the crappiness of dealing with Mr. Diabetes day in and day out...I get to keep my babies.  They are alive and well and can dig in the mud!

After a busy day at school and play, we rest.  Now, Mommy and Daddy get to figure out who is who in the night!

 

Support us in the JDRF One Walk.  www2.jdrf.org/goto/FuseAATeam

 

 

Rhonda

 

 

Diabetes Blog Challenge, Day 3: Mental Health

Mental Health

Click for the What Brings Me Down - Wednesday 5/14 Link List.

May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes. What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope? (Thanks go out to Scott of Strangely Diabetic for coordinating this topic.)

Since it's now been two years, I know there is probably so  much more I can say on this topic.  I may even decide to later.  But for now, I think my book summed it up nicely, Mommy Can't Fix It.  What else is a Mommy to do?

Rhonda

Diabetes Blog Challenge: Jar of Hearts

Diabetes Blog Week Challenge

This year, Diabetes Blog Week and TuDiabetes are teaming up to bring out the poet in you! Write a poem, rhyme, ballad, haiku, or any other form of poetry about diabetes. After you’ve posted it on your blog, share it on the No Sugar Added® Poetry page on TuDiabetes, and read what others have shared there as well!

In keeping with last year’s song revision theme, I’ve chosen to dedicate this song (slightly modified) to Mr. Diabetes.  I don’t mean to cause anyone untoward shock, but I do listen to and enjoy other music besides Bon Jovi.  So, with no further delay….

Jar of Hearts

No I can’t take one more day with you

Cause all that’s waiting is regret

Don’t you know I’m not your fool anymore

You struck the ones I love the most

I’ve learned to live half awake

Now you wake me one more time

Who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of sharps

Tearing lives apart

Can’t even catch a cold

Something small can take its toll

So don’t come jack with me

Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re striking all around

For someone’s baby you can down

But I have grown too strong

To fall prey to your arms

I’ve learned to live half asleep

Each night you wake me one more time

Who do you think you are?

Running around counting carbs

Killing those beta cells

And tearing fingers apart

We’re going to find a cure

Determination in our souls

Don’t look back at me

Who do you think you are?

It took so long to learn and feel right

Remembered to put the light back in our eyes

I wish I had missed your kiss

Cause you broke all of our hearts

And now you won’t leave

You won’t go back

You can’t take my boys back

So who do you think you are

Running around leaving scars

Collecting your jar of sharps

Tearing bank accounts apart

Little fingers pay the price

Lots of sticks that don’t feel nice

Please back away from me

Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?