Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Repost: I Married an Imbecile

Originally posted:  2/28/08 (not much has changed on this front)

This one should be short and sweet.

We're having some contractors give us bids to redo the floors in our homes.  Five years and kids, dogs and cats have made our nice home into something rivaling the qualities of a cardboard box under a bridge, but I digress.  Yesterday, a contractor was to arrive at 5:30 pm.

My husband got home around 5:10, and I was on the phone. Clearly from my conversation and the timing, he could tell I was on the phone giving this contractor directions to our home.  So, to aid in my efforts, he cuts a big loud long juicy fart.  I turned my back to him, trying not to laugh, but it overcame me! In the middle of directions (and just after the guy had asked me a question), I could refrain no longer and I busted out laughing.  Then, I told him "You're so stupid!" as I laughed.  They contractor just got silent!  Quickly I had to clarify.  "I'm sorry, sir.  I wasn't talking to you.  I was talking to my retarded husband!"  I couldn't help but to continue intermittently giggling at the imbecile as I tried to complete the directions.

Still, in the midst of giving directions, he backs his ass up to me and farted again! He thought it was funny to make me laugh (and call him names) when I was trying to complete a conversation and be serious! Of course, it worked.  I laughed again and called him retarded.  The contractor said, "I'll be there in 20 minutes.  I hope he has it all out of his system by then!"  Oh, boy we laughed!

When the contractor arrived, he asked my husband if he was better.

Then, last night, watching American Idol, one of the contestants had clearly had hair extensions placed for her performance.  So, I remarked, "those are definitely extensions", to which my husband replied, "Some horses are missing their hair all off up in here!"  (Quoting Friday).  Made me bust out laughing again!  I really couldn't hear how well she did because all I could imagine was some poor horse waking up, looking at his/her tail, and thinking, "WTF?  Where'd my tail go?"

It took some time to fall asleep because I kept giggling about the contractor farts and the bald horse.  Oh, sweet amusement!


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