February 21, 2014
I never cease to be amazed at the things that strike me as odd about Diabetes or the things that make me cry. Most days, I feel like “This sucks, but I got this!” Other days, I’m taken aback. My mind is constantly churning, trying to understand, do better, find solutions.
On Aiden’s Diaversary Eve (Wednesday night), we had Baked Potato Soup for dinner. It was fabulous, if I do say so myself. Lots of carbs that I dosed for, a little lacking in protein. I was wicked tired that evening given the crapola night Diabetes had handed me the night before.
Two Years Sweet and Strong
At 7:30 pm, just prior to 8:00 pm bedtime, the boys were a respectable 96 and 130 each. I cracked a smile! Take that, Diabetes! They each had a snack bag of nuts.
At 9:30 pm, I decided to check the boys a little earlier than I ordinarily do in hopes that I could go to bed. Apparently, Diabetes saw that smile and felt my pride two hours earlier. He rubbed my face in it!
Asa was on the bottom bunk. Usually, when I grab his hand, he instinctively jerks back away from me or his hand is relaxed so I can pick a finger (or toe) to poke. He's a fighter! This time, instead, he stirred and began muttering, “Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry…” It was the tiniest, quietest, quivery, most pathetic voice or thing I have heard in a long, long time. As soon as he said it, I knew he must be low. 39. I choked up. I just wanted to hold him and tell him it would be ok, but that wasn’t going to help. I had to intervene to save his life.
Under usual circumstances, a bedtime low would have me frustrated, cursing Diabetes under my breath. But on this night, I was exhausted, and my emotions were raw due to the next day’s Diaversary. After checking Aiden, too, (he was a whoppin’ 32), I ran downstairs to gather carbs.
I felt the tears welling up but I had to stave them off so I could intervene. Each boy drank 4 ounces of chocolate milk, ate a few bites of a banana, and washed it down with half a juice box….all while asleep. When I returned downstairs, the flood gates opened.
Diabetes won that night. He got under my skin. He got to me. My baby’s sugar was so low, his brain was trying to send a message to his body. His brain, desperately deprived of its only fuel source, glucose, was crying out for help. “Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry….” Even while asleep, his body was begging for intervention, begging for what it needed to survive.
I cried to know his body was so desperate. I cried to know I’ve been dealing with this for two solid years and I don’t know when it will end. I cried because I was tired beyond belief, and now I had to stay up for at least an additional hour to make sure they were safe. I cried because a little child should not have to beg for what his body needs to survive. I cried in fear of what may have happened had I waited another hour to check, as I typically would do. I cried because that was the saddest sound I think I’ve heard in ages. “Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry….” I am crying writing this. I cried huge flowing tears.
The next day, I teared up again thinking about Aiden’s Diaversary, and I teared up several times as “Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry…” echoed in my ears. It was truly traumatic to me. I’m glad his brain had the wherewithal to ask for what it needed, but I don’t think I ever want to hear those words uttered in that voice ever again.
“Hungry” was still echoing in my head today, almost 48 hours later. Jamming my “therapy” CD, I heard a song I’ve heard a 100 times. Except today, I heard it a little differently. It was a great sentiment to how I feel about Diabetes and the way He treats me. When I crack a smile, he rubs my face in it. He’s a thorn in my side that just won’t quit. Diabetes can test my faith, but He can’t take my pride, my boys. For these boys, I’ll fight to the death.
Dedicated to you, Mr. Diabetes!
Thorn in My Side
Thorn in my side
You're always there
Just to remind me
That I still care
Thorn in my side
You won't let me go
Right there beside me
To let me know
I've been pushed around
Been knocked down
Lost a round or three
Life took a couple of things I loved
When I was too blind to see
But I'll survive
I gave up on luck but I'm still getting by
Yeah I'm going to be alright
You can test my faith
But you can't take my pride
Thorn in my side, thorn in my side
Thorn in my side
You just won't quit
Once in a while when I crack a smile
You rub my face in it
Thorn in my side
You won't let me run
God bless the fights
That I've lost and won
But I'll survive
I gave up on luck but I'm still getting by
Yeah I'm going to be alright
You can test my faith
But you can't take my pride
Thorn in my side, thorn in my side, thorn in my side
Thorn in my side, thorn in my side, thorn in my side
I've been pushed around
Been knocked down
Lost a round or three
Life took a couple of things I loved
When I was too blind to see
But I'll survive
I gave up on luck but I'm still getting by
Yeah I'm going to be alright
You can test my strength
But you can't take my pride
Thorn in my side, thorn in my side, thorn in my side
Thorn in my side, thorn in my side, thorn in my side
--The brilliance of BON JOVI (From The Circle)
Rhonda
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