Friday, March 1, 2013


March 2, 2013


There are plenty of annoying noises in this life.  Fingernails on the chalkboard.  Someone’s crying baby in the restaurant or movie. False bravado of some singers (Pick a note and stick with it!..I digress).  There are LOTS of annoying sounds to say the least.  I’ve come to despise all the “beeps” in my house.  Invariably, the “beep” means work for me, and I need NO help finding or accumulating work.  With five hungry and demanding boys, one super-sexy husband, and two worthless dogs in the home, I have more than enough work.  I don’t need some stupid beep to remind me there’s more or it’s time to end my 32-second break and get up again!

1.        Triple beep, beep, beep…Stupid alarm clock. Day or night, it beeps way too soon! Every 9 minutes until I curse myself awake, unready to face the day, not enough sleep again.  When it’s Jerry’s alarm, I ordinarily threaten his life if he doesn’t silence it!  His is easily 10x more annoying than mine, probably because it’s not meant to wake me up but it does!

2.       Beep….it sounds more like a little “tootle-loo” type of beep, but I hate it.  The Washer and Dryer!  To me it says, “Get up, heifer, and take these clothes out!  More loads await!” There is a never-ending pile to sort, wash, dry, fold, put away.  Jerry offered to nerd it up and change the “ringtone” on it.  He offered to make it a Bon Jovi song….My response, “Why would you want to make me hate a Bon Jovi song?!”

3.       Beeeppp…’s the dishwasher.  The piece-of-crap “quiet” dishwasher becomes noisy as it beeps to tell me it’s done.  Some days, I can breathe and say, “(Insert teenage boy name here)…dishes are done!”  But, then I have to hear then clanking around as they inefficiently put the dishes away, take too long to do it, and slam cabinets shut!  But, more often than not, that annoying beep is saying, “Get off your butt and unload me.  There’s a sink full waiting to be washed and rinsed inadequately!”

4.       BBBEEEPPP….  It’s the danged Omnipod!  (For those who don’t know, that’s my sons’ insulin pump). Invariably, a pod that is full of over 100 units of insulin will fail, wasting over half the insulin (I’ve learned to salvage some of it).  Such failure, typically when placed on a boy’s leg, is caused by such egregious acts like walking down the stairs or putting on one’s seatbelt.  This dreaded NON-STOP screech forces me to get up and respond immediately.  If I don’t, my boy isn’t getting insulin…the one substance that he needs to keep him ALIVE.  See the urgency here? I have to get up, right away, and amend the situation. The only therapy is that I can take my aggression against diabetes on the failed pod.   Trash can, hammer, freezer.  Whatever it takes to feel a little better and stop the insane beep.

5.       Beep, beep, beep…..Yep, it’s that danged Omnipod again.  Reminding me, because clearly I’m an idiot and can’t keep track of time, that it is time to change the pod (within 4 hours). Like an amorous husband, it won’t stop demanding (and beeping) until it gets the acknowledgement and relief it wants.  Another reminder of work to come.

6.       Does the phone ringing count?  I say…yes.  It’s not a beep, but it’s a ring that invariably occurs once all the other beeps have been answered and acknowledged.   And, I have to get up from the chair that isn’t even warm yet.

7.       Beeeepppp….Another one?  Yep, another one.  Wait, this one is good.  It’s the magic beep saying my coffee is ready.  The coffee maker has redeemed all the other beeping appliances as it delivers what I need to survive and have the energy to contend with all the other beeps.  Sweet, delicious, black joy in my cup…mixed with milk, creamer, and whipped cream.  What beeps?  Did you hear a beep?

For any engineers out there, can you be more creative in designing the alerts on your appliances in the future?  How about a beluga sound?  Dog barking?  Owl screeching?  Grenade exploding?  A foreign language? Be creative!  Not the same stupid beep, all the time.


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